How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
