Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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