The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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