i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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