so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
