I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
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