Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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