last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
