you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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