i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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