If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
