I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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