I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
