with your own penis?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
