why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
