for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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