Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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