I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
