im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
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she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
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I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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