thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
