Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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