i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
