Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Houston, we have a blender
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
