i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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