I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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