Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
