Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
