see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
