he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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