You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Randomize
