I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
In other news, I just burned my penis
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I want to fling myself into the sun
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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