Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
