He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
