Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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