Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
