ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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