he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
