I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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