Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
