not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
