I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
