I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
