Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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