We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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