this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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