he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
