I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
