lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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