how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
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I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
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You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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