You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
