I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
