after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
