how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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