If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
