I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Two words: blizzard sex
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
