Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
