Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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