I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
