Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
well most of my day revolves around power hour
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
