I feel great
I just peed on a car
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
