Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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